Some say, “If you spot it, you got it.” That can be really hard to believe when it comes to some behaviors, but if you’re willing to face it, it’s a clue for where you can grow.

I see it as a reflection, like a mirror, and gaze into it.

It’s scary.

It can feel painful at first.

I’ve found many things within myself that I never saw before.

But I don’t stop there.

I use it to transform. You can too.

Here’s an example of my process called “The Sacred Pool.” It starts with the observable facts and my feelings about it.

One of my exes used to lie about small things if he got backed into a corner but claimed not to lie about the big things.

Back then I was naïve and I was also trying to learn to love in a greater way. I thought I just needed to accept this part of him to love him unconditionally and forgive these minor offenses.

But for years I had placed a high value on honesty. I did my best to be an extremely honest person.

Eventually, it added up to a lack of trust and intimacy in our relationship.

My anger grew as he kept lying to me and so did my frustration that I couldn’t get a resolution.

I allowed myself to settle into a sort of meditative state of contemplation.

Some estimate that the subconscious mind processes data at 40,000 times or even 1 million times faster than the conscious mind can.
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It can do work in the background and serve up ideas and new thoughts. A lot of people recognize this happening in the shower or after they've "slept on it".

Practicing meditation taught me how to recognize the thoughts that flowed through my mind.

It did not take long to get to that quiet place where I could observe the thoughts.

Then I asked myself what this was reflecting back to me.

I asked, “Was I being dishonest in some way?”

What came up in my mind, was a sort of dishonesty, that wasn’t outright lying.

I was hiding my feelings instead.

I was afraid of conflict so I avoided it.

And I wasn’t doing that just with him, but with a lot of people.

I was shocked to discover this blind spot and it shattered my self-image about my own honesty.

Some might argue that it isn’t dishonesty, but from my perspective, when you allow someone to believe something that isn’t true and it’s detrimental to your relationship with them, then it is dishonesty. You are essentially misleading them to believe it’s okay, but you are not being authentic.

Meditative contemplation brings understanding.

I allow my mind space for processing.

People talk a lot of trash about the ego, but in this practice, it came to the rescue.

It tried to keep me from feeling bad by telling me it wasn’t my fault that I was dishonest.

It showed me how hiding my feelings and avoiding conflict protected me in the past.

That was gold.

Understanding then led to compassion.

Understanding was the key that unlocked the door of compassion for myself.

I could definitely see how that strategy that began so long ago in hiding from my Dad’s abuse was reinforced by the protection it offered me during a marriage to an abuser.

I just never realized that it had started to work against me.

And I knew my lying ex’s very traumatic childhood.

I could see why he would develop the same strategy.

Compassion grew as I knew where this was coming from…our trauma.

We were just acting out old patterns like we were kids.

And really, no one taught me anything different. I highly doubt anyone taught him either.

Now we were on the same level so to speak.

And somewhere between understanding and the natural expansion of my compassion, the feelings of anger and frustration melted away.

I chose to forgive, but not forget.

I forgave myself for acting out of integrity.

I forgave myself for the hurt I had caused and the mistrust others may have felt for me.

I forgave us both for repeating a pattern unconsciously.

Using my experience as a teacher, I asked myself what lessons I needed to learn from this.

I learned that hiding my feelings was not in alignment with my values, particularly honesty, and integrity.

I learned that if I was going to be in alignment with my values I would need to share my feelings.

I learned that I would need to set a firm boundary with him that had consequences.

Then I got specific about what I could be grateful for.

Thank you for trying to protect yourself. You were doing the best you knew how.

Thank you for taking the time to reflect on this. It’s hard to do inner work.

Thank you for learning these lessons.

I appreciate that you are the type of person to change and evolve.

I appreciate that you are so willing to become the grandest version of yourself.

Finally, I found ways to love more through better self-care.

I love you for standing up for yourself and your needs.

I love you for putting in the work to break this pattern.

I love you for loving yourself.

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That's the end of that reflection. I have journals full of them. They've radically transformed my life and my ability to understand other people. Will you give it a try?

I’m here for you if you need help understanding this process more or relating it to your life. Reach out anytime.